Femeia care isi paraseste barbatul

Femeia care isi paraseste barbatul

Castigatorul marelui trofeu la TIFF a fost filmul georgian “My Happy Family”, care spune povestea unei femei de vreo 50 de ani care isi paraseste barbatul, fara sa fi fost batuta, fara sa fi fost inselata, alegand sa traiasca singura intr-un apartament inchiriat, unde isi permite sa asculte muzica ei preferata, sa citeasca, sa corecteze in liniste lucrarile elevilor ei si sa manance tort la cina.

EN: The winner of the main TIFF award was the Georgian movie “My Happy Family”, which tells the story of a woman in her 50s, who leaves her husband, without ever being beaten, cheated on, and chooses to live alone in a rented apartment, where she can afford to listen to her favorite music, read, correct her students’ papers in peace and quiet and have cake for dinner.

Sper ca nu v-am derutat deja. Pozele nu au legatura cu subiectul pe care il dezbat, in afara poate de faptul ca sunt realizate chiar inainte de a pleca la Cluj, la TIFF, acolo unde am vazut si acest film, printre multe altele. Doar ca nu putem vorbi pe acest blog doar despre hainute si gentute, asa ca pozele de stil personal sunt poze de stil personal, iar povestea ce le insoteste poate deveni de multe ori o tema de dezbatere. Caci daca in moda eu nu mi-am permis niciodata sa pun verdicte, nici legat de alte subiecte nu voi spune ca e alb sau negru, ci mai degraba voi lansa o tema de discutie, asa, ca intre oameni mari. Ei bine, tema de azi e inspirata de acest film, care mi-a trezit multe amintiri, care a declansat in mintea mea mai multe asocieri.

In primul rand trebuie sa va spun foarte pe scurt povestea, cat sa nu va stric placerea de a descoperi mai multe vazand filmul. Manana, profesoara, traieste in aceeasi casa cu parintii ei, cu sotul si cu cei doi copii (fata deja casatorita, baiatul pe cale sa). Deci 3 generatii care traiesc sub acelasi acoperis. Intr-o zi, Manana se hotaraste sa plece din casa si sa se mute intr-un alt cartier, intr-un apartament inchiriat. Rudele, prietenii, nu inteleg motivele care au stat la baza acestei decizii, mai ales ca ea nu isi doreste sa se rupa total de familia ei, ci mai degraba sa se bucure de momentele ei de singuratate.

Din start atmosfera acelei case mi-a amintit de o discutie pe care am avut-o acum cativa ani cu un designer armean, care imi spunea ca la ei o femeie se marita in general pe la 20 de ani si ca, la inceput, traieste alaturi de sotul ei in casa parintilor ei sau in casa socrilor. Si ca daca e sa plece de acolo, o fac mult dupa ce au deja primul copil, care fireste ca se naste cand mama are pana in 25 de ani. Sigur, la noi femeile sunt mai carieriste, din ce in ce mai putin preocupate de casatorie si copil la astfel de varste, asa ca tabloul nu e identic – cel putin atunci cand vorbim de mediul urban. In schimb, multe replici mi-au sunat cunoscut in momentul in care femeia, ajunsa la “varsta de mijloc”, cu copiii mari (nu as putea spune ca erau copii “la casele lor”, caci inca locuiau cu sotul si viitoarea sotie in casa bunicilor), alege sa paraseasca acea casa si sa traiasca singura intr-un apartament inchiriat. Monologul mamei ei subliniaza o mentalitate inca extrem de vie si la noi: “Dar de ce sa il parasesti? Nu te bate, nu bea mult… pai tu stii alte femei cat se chinuie? Dar ele raman acolo, nu ca tine. Ce o sa zica lumea?”. Spuneti si voi daca nu va suna cunoscut situatia. Atunci cand o femeie decide sa divorteze, primele ganduri ale celor din jur sunt fie ca el a inselat-o, fie ca o batea, fie ca era alcoolic. Pai altfel cum? Ce motiv sa ai? Daca e altfel, inseamna ca femeia e vinovata. Ori pleci ca victima, ori accepti ca societatea te va judeca. Cate femei nu am auzit sa ramana intr-o relatie pana cand ajung sa atinga aceste motive incontestabile precum bataia sau inselatul (ma rog, din punctul unora de vedere nici acestea nu sunt “inconstestabile”), ca sa poata pleca. Acest “ceosazicalumea” ne omoara pe toti.

Nu vreau sa sune ca o postare feminista sau sexista. Sunt doar niste ganduri pe care le-am avut. M-am gandit si la mama mea. Mamele noastre sunt cele care se casatoreau din facultate, care faceau copii devreme, care nu apucau sa traiasca niciodata singure ca femei. Din copilul care locuieste inca cu parintii, ajungeau sotia barbatului si apoi mama copilului… dar cand au fost ele femei singure? Cand au apucat sa se bucure singure de micile placeri ale vietii? Cand au apucat sa se cunoasca pe ele insele, ca femei, nu ca sotii sau ca mame? Ma intreb daca a existat etapa asta in dezvoltarea lor.

Acum cativa ani am avut una dintre cele mai halucinante conversatii cu mama la telefon: “Unde esti?” – “Pe la mall, merg la film”. – “Cu Radu?” – “Nu, cu fetele.” – “Pai si Radu unde e?” – “Nu stiu, mama, acasa cred.” – “Dana, nu e normal ca tu sa iesi in oras la distractie si el sa ramana acasa”. De atunci am purtat mai multe discutii pe acest subiect si sper ca mama a inteles ca lucrurile pot sta si altfel, fara sa insemne ca esti o femeie necuviincioasa.

Asadar, cred ca Manana – eroina filmului – alege mai tarziu in viata sa bifeze aceasta etapa de femeie singura, cu nevoile ei, cu gandurile ei. Si nu e nimic de judecat. Da, femeia are dreptul sa-si paraseasca barbatul si fara sa o fi batut sau inselat, fara sa fi fost dependent de alcool sau – stiu eu – pariuri. Pur si simplu pentru un nou inceput, care nu incepe de la zero.

Si apropo de mentalintati invechite, de prejudecati, cred ca schimbarea trebuie sa vina si de la noi. Prea ne place sa ajungem in postura de victima. Noi trebuie sa suferim din dragoste, pe noi trebuie sa ne doara cand nastem, trebuie sa ne doara cand alaptam, noi trebuie sa ramanem cu copiii in fiecare noapte acasa, noi trebuie sa stim diferenta intre patrunjel si fenicul, noi trebuie sa induram, noi avem voie sa plecam dintr-o relatie musai ca victime, ca parasite, ca abandonate, ca inselate, ca sa nu zica lumea ca nu ne-am indeplinit rolul de femeie/sotie/mama pana la capat.

In poze port: rochie & Other Stories, tenisi Bensimon, geanta Marc Jacobs, ochelari Ray Ban. Pozele au fost realizate la Artichoke Cafe.

EN: I hope you’re not confused already. The pictures have nothing to do with the subject I am discussing, besides the fact that they were taken right before leaving to Cluj, for TIFF, where I have also watched this film, among many others. But we can’t only talk about clothes and bags on this blog, so the pictures for personal style are what they are, and the story that accompanies them can often turn into a topic for debate. Because I have never dared to give verdicts in fashion, so when it comes to other subjects I won’t say that it’s either black or white either. I prefer starting a debate, like grown-ups. Well, today’s theme is inspired by this movie, which brought back many memories, which made all sorts of connections show up in my mind.  

First of all I have to briefly tell you the story, so I don’t ruin your pleasure of discovering more while watching the movie. Manana, a teacher, lives in the same house with her parents, husband and two children (the daughter is already married, the son is about to). So 3 generations living under the same roof. One day, Manana decides to leave her home and move to a different neighborhood, in a rented apartment. Her relatives, friends don’t understand the reasons behind such a decision, especially since she doesn’t want to cut all connections to her family, but to enjoy her moments of solitude.  

Ever since the beginning, the atmosphere of that home reminded me of a talk I had a few years ago with an Armenian designer, who told me that in their country, a woman usually gets married when she is 20 and that, in the beginning, she lives with her husband in her parents’ or her parents-in-law house. And that they only move out after they have their first child, who is usually born when the mother is maximum 25 years old. Sure, in Romania, women are more career oriented, less and less preoccupied with marriage and children at those ages, so the picture isn’t identical- at least when we talk about the urban environment. On the other hand, many lines sounded very familiar when the woman, who had reached her “middle age”, with grown-up children (I wouldn’t say they were already out of the house, because they were still living with their husband and future wife in their grandparents’ house), chooses to leave that house and live alone in a rented apartment. Her mother’s monologue shows a mentality which is very present in our country as well: “But why do you leave him? He doesn’t beat you, he doesn’t drink much… do you know how many women are struggling? But they stay there, unlike you. What will people say?”. Doesn’t this sound familiar?! When a woman decides to get a divorce, the first thing that comes to mind to those around her is that he either cheated on her, or that he used to beat her up, or that he is an alcoholic. Is there any other way? What other reason could you possibly have? If it’s any different, then it means the woman is to blame. You either leave as a victim, or you accept that society will judge you. I have heard about so many women who stayed in a relationship until they get to those unbeatable reasons like violence or cheating (well, according to some, even those reasons aren’t final), just to be able to leave. This “whatwillpeoplesay” is killing all of us.

This isn’t meant as feminist or sexist post. These are just some thoughts I had. I also though about my mother. Our mothers used to get married while still in college, who had children early, who never got to live alone as single women. The child living with her parents turned into the wife and then the mother…but when have they ever been single women? When did they get to enjoy the little pleasures in life all by themselves? When did they get to know themselves, as women, not as wives or mothers? I wonder if this stage existed in their development.

A few years ago I had one of the most hallucinating conversations over the phone with my mother: “Where are you?” – “At the mall, I’m going to the movies.” – “With Radu?” – “No, with the girls.” – “Well, and where is Radu?” – “I don’t know, mum, at home I guess.” – “Dana, it’s not normal for you to go out and have fun while he stays at home.” Ever since that talk we have had many others on the subject and I hope my mother understood that things can be different, without it meaning that you are behaving out of the line.

So, I think Manana chooses later in life to check this stage as a single woman, with her needs, her thoughts. And there is nothing to judge about that. Yes, a woman has the right to leave her husband even without him beating on cheating on her, with being an alcoholic or a gambler. Just for the sake of a new beginning, which doesn’t start from scratch.

And when it comes to obsolete mentalities and prejudices, I think the change has to come from us too. We enjoy this victim role a bit too much. We are the ones suffering from broken hearts, we are in pain while giving birth, we are hurting when breastfeeding, we have to stay home with the kids every night, we have to know the difference between parsley and fennel, we have to bare, we are only allowed to leave a relationship as victims, abandoned, cheated on, so that people won’t say we haven’t fulfilled our role of woman/ wife/ mother all the way.

In the pictures I am wearing: & Other Stories dress, Bensimon sneakers, Marc Jacobs bag, Ray Ban glasses. The pictures were taken at Artichoke Café.