Cat de mult m-am schimbat in ultimii ani

Cat de mult m-am schimbat in ultimii ani

Ieri, in timp ce zburam cu avionul spre Bucuresti, m-am gandit mult la tata. Asa ca, printre nori fiind si eu, mi-am dat seama cu amaraciune ca el nu m-a mai prins asa, schimbata dupa ce am devenit mama, dupa ce am trecut pragul de 30 de ani si chiar dupa ce a murit el. Toate aceste evidente au contribuit, nu pot sa spun fiecare in ce masura, la schimbarea mea. Dar cred ca sunt un om mai misto acum. As fi vrut sa vorbesc cum sunt acum cu tata. Oare as fi facut-o sau nu asa cum imi imaginez, daca ar fi continuat sa traiasca pana la adanci batraneti?

EN: Yesterday, as I was flying back to Bucharest, I thought a lot about my father. Being among the clouds myself, I bitterly realized he never got to see me like this, changed after I became a mother, after turning 30 and even after he died. All these evidences have somehow contributed, I can’t say how much each of them, to my change. But I think I am a cooler person now. I would have liked to talk to my dad as I am now. I wonder if I would have done it like I imagine it or not, if he would have lived to be old and grey?

Ati avut discutii importante cu parintii vostri? Discutii adevarate. Nu ma refer acum la cele din adolescenta, despre educatia sexuala sau despre facultatea pe care vrei/trebuie sa o urmezi. Ma refer la conversatii care sa va faca bine amandurora, care sa va descopere asa cum nu s-a mai intamplat, conversatii terapeutice, fara orgolii, fara prejudecati, fara superioritate.

Am fost intotdeauna considerata de catre cei din jurul meu o persoana matura “pentru varsta ei” – contrar aparentei mele copilaroase – si asta probabil datorita faptului ca am lucrat de mica, ca am fost mereu inconjurata de oameni mai mari si cu probleme mai mari decat ale mele. Si totusi, abia in ultimii ani simt ca s-a produs o schimbare majora, caci am fost pusa fata in fata – cam deodata – cu nasterea si moartea. Asa ca pamantul a inceput sa se miste sub mine. Ma cam zgaltaie, ma cam scutura, v-o spun drept, iar asta cred ca e de bine. Desi am inaintat in varsta, am mult mai multe indoieli, iar asta cred ca e de bine. Ma preocupa relatia mea cu copilul meu, dar si relatia pe care o am/am avut-o cu parintii mei, iar asta cred ca e de bine. Si tocmai de aceea ieri as fi vrut sa il invit pe tata la o cafea si sa il intreb o multime de lucruri, fara sa judec, caci acum ma indoiesc de foarte multe lucruri pe care le etichetasem in perioada in care el traia. Si asta cred ca e de bine, dar si ca e putin tardiv.

Ce ati vrea sa ii intrebati pe parintii vostri si nu ati facut-o inca? Si ce va opreste sa o faceti?

In poze port: sacou Max Mara, geaca Mango, jeans AllSaints, basca vintage, helanca H&M, geanta Moon nude cu NOUA Fata Detasabila Pisaciosul (care celebreaza lansarea Moon by Dana Rogoz Brussels), botine & Other Stories.

EN: Have you ever had important conversations with your parents? Real talks. I don’t mean those from adolescence, about sexual education or about the college you want to/ have to go to. I mean conversations which do you both some good, which discover you like never before, therapeutical conversations, without egos, prejudices, superiority.

I have always been considered to be a mature person “for my own age”- contrary to my childish appearance- and this is probably due to the fact that I have worked since I was little, that I have always been surrounded by grown ups with bigger problems than mine. And yet, only in the last years do I feel like a major change has happened, because I have been faced- at the same time- with birth and death. So the earth beneath me has started moving.  It is rocking me, shaking me, I have to be honest, and I think that’s a good thing. Although I have grown, I have more doubts, and that’s a good thing. I am preoccupied with the relationship with my child, but also with the one I have/ had with my parents, and I think that’s a good thing. And this why yesterday I would have wanted to invite my father for a cup of coffee to ask him about a ton of things, without judging, because now I doubt many of things I used to label when he was still alive. And I think that’s a good thing, even though it’s a little too late.  

What would you like to ask your parents and haven’t done so yet? And what keeps you from doing it?

In the pictures I am wearing: Max Mara blazer, Mango jacket, AllSaints jeans , vintage hat, H&M blouse, nude Moon clutch with the NEW Fata Detasabila Pisaciosul (which celebrates the launch of the Moon by Dana Rogoz Brussels store), & Other Stories ankle boots.