Cand copilul e cuminte doar la gradi

Cand copilul e cuminte doar la gradi

Vlad la gradinita vs Vlad acasa. Sau cum sa nu mai intelegi nimic ca parinte.

 

EN: Vlad in kindergarten vs Vlad at home. Or how not to understand anything as a parent anymore.

“Uite Vlad, ninge” i-am spus cand l-am luat de la gradinita si i-am aratat cum cad fulgii pe maneca de la geaca mea neagra. El s-a uita atent la haina mea si mi-a raspuns: “Trebuie sa imi dai o lupa.”

Intr-adevar, nu ninge cu fulgi mari, dar e totusi o vreme de stat in casa si de jucat cu masinute, cu carticele, cu cariocile, cu puzzle-uri, pana cand casa arata ca dupa cutremur. Ce, la voi nu e asa?!

Azi cand l-am luat pe Vlad de la gradi, doamna cu care face modelaj iar l-a laudat. De fiecare data imi spune ca e extrem de cuminte, ca e un exemplu, ca e un model… Prima oara eu si Radu am zambit si i-am raspuns intarind fiecare cuvant ca: “Noi suntem parintii lui Vlad Dragomir”. – “Da, stiu” a continuat ea. – “Nu, nu ati inteles, noi suntem parintii lui Vlad, Vladut, cel mic si mai agitat asa…” – “Da, stiu foarte bine despre cine vorbesc, dar nu e deloc agitat. E cel mai cuminte. Alti copii se mai ridica de la mese in timpul lucrului, e firesc, sunt copii, dar el e atat de pasionat si atent cand lucreaza, incat dupa 40 de minute trebuie sa ii spun ca din pacate ora s-a terminat, iar el imi raspunde cu Ooofff… si se ridica resemnat de pe scaun, lasand nenumarate figurine din lut in urma lui.”

Bun, deci sa recapitulam. Primul stadiu a fost cel de negare – nu, ala nu este copilul nostru. Al doilea, a fost cel de frustrare. Poate ca o sa radeti de noi, dar efectiv nu intelegeam cum de acelasi copil poate sta 40 de minute intr-un singur loc, la o masa de lucru, cum poate fi un exemplu de cumintenie, iar noua sa ne fie atat de greu uneori si sa il imbracam sa iesim din gradinita. Pentru ca atunci cand ne vede, de bucurie, urmeaza o explozie de energie: alearga cand la unul, cand la altul, apoi prin toata gradinita, incepe sa sara, sa faca galagie, iar iesitul cu el imbracat si incaltat pe usa gradinitei devine la fel de complicat pentru mine precum mersul cu spatele cu masina pe distante lungi. Azi a fost o exceptie, pentru ca l-am luat doar eu, si s-a grabit sa ajunga acasa sa fim toti 3, adica si cu tata. Dar revenind la diferenta dintre copilul de la gradinita vs copilul de acasa ….. voi intelegeti ceva? adica si ai vostri sunt la fel? Profesoara de modelaj ramane blocata cand il vede cat de exuberant, bomba – ce mai – poate fi uneori in prezenta noastra, fata de cum e la ea in timpul cursului: “Nu imi vine sa cred, nu e acelasi copil” imi spune razand de fiecare data. Ori replica asta era la un moment dat ca o sare pusa direct pe rana. Ma simteam incapabila. Cum adica?! Adica eu nu pot sa imi disciplinez copilul, sa respecte intocmai ce il rog, din prima, nu dupa minute de rugaminti si negocieri?! Mi se parea – si inca mai cred asta uneori – ca e ceva neinregula cu mine. Cu noi, parintii lui.

Dar acum suntem in etapa a treia. In care am acceptat ca Vlad e un exemplu de cumintenie doar la gradinita, iar cu noi e de multe ori un zurliu, sugubat, nazdravan. Sigur, a crescut foarte mult in ultima vreme si am ajuns sa comunicam foarte bine, putand merge oriunde impreuna – intr-un restaurant, intr-un muzeu, intr-o vizita – fara sa mai fie nevoie de pregatiri speciale, de bagaje cu jucarii sau alte recompense. Dar exista in continuare aceste puseuri de energie, pe care le avea de cand era bebelus, cand vezi ca s-ar sui si pe casa, care cred ca sunt ale lui si ca ii sunt necesare. Asa ca am ajuns la etapa in care pur si simplu ne bucuram ca lucrurile se intampla asa. Ma impac cu gandul ca trebuie sa existe si o perioada a zilei in care sunt mai putine reguli, in care el sa poata fi exact asa cum vrea el sa fie si sa faca ce simte, nu ce trebuie, ce e programat si stabilit de catre altcineva. Bineinteles, e ideal ca educatoarele au stiut sa ii stabilieasca niste limite clare, pe care el le cunoaste si le respecta. Sunt convisa, in schimb, ca nu ii e usor si simt ca uneori, cu noi, refuleaza. Rezistenta la frustrare se invata, si el a facut progrese incredibile. Dar cred ca are nevoie inclusiv de acele  momente in prezenta noastra in care sa se simta cu adevarat liber.

Fireste ca avem reguli ale casei, reguli in masina, limite pe care incercam cu totii sa le respectam. Avem inclusiv desene pe pereti, care sa explice aceste reguli, cum ar fi ritualul de dimineata ori cel de seara, tocmai pentru a-i fi lui Vlad mai usor sa stie care sunt pasii si, implicit, limitele. Dar in acelasi timp, la sfatul unui psiholog de copii foarte bun, avem si un “timp al lui Vlad” in care el decide, pentru o anumita durata stabilita de dinainte, ce urmeaza sa facem toti 3: sa alergam, sa ne jucam de-a politistii… orice. Singura limita/regula (in afara de cea de timp) e sa nu ne lovim sau sa stricam lucrurile cu care ne jucam. Dar altfel, e momentul lui sa decida, sa puna limite, sa stabileasca reguli. Si astfel intelege – intr-un mod mult mai subtil – ca in restul timpului parintii sunt cei care stabilesc regulile. Sau educatorii – ma rog, pe asta pare sa o fi inteles destul de clar, din moment ce e “un exemplu de cumintenie”. Dar altfel, sunt prea multe reguli, de dimineata si pana seara, pentru un copil de nici 4 ani.

Acum plimba doua masinute prin toata camera si tipa. Sunt niste onomatopee greu de scris pe litere. Dar e foarte foarte vesel si … echilibrat. Asa simt.  Voi cum vedeti lucrurile?

Pentru cei care nu au copii si care cred ca s-au cam saturat de astfel de povesti care se repeta si intre colegii de serviciu si in coada de la Mega, sper ca imaginile si descrierea tinutei de mai sus sa fie satisfacatoare.

In poze port: pulover Pepe Jeans, pantaloni Styland, pantofi Aldo, palton Liu Jo. Styling Irina Hartia, Foto Stefan Dani, Hair style Alex Sarghe, Make Up Alexandra Craescu, Editor foto Marius Tatu.

EN: “Look, Vlad, it’s snowing” I told him when we picked him up from kindergarten and I showed him how the snowflakes were falling on my black jacket. He looked at my jacket and said: “You have to give me a magnifying glass.”

He’s right, it’s not snowing with big flakes, but still it is the kind of weather to stay inside and play with toy cars, books, crayons, puzzles, until the house looks like after an earthquake. What, it’s not the same at your house?!

Today when we picked Vlad up from kindergarten, the woman he is having his sculpting class with praised him. Every time she tells me that he is extremely well behaved, that he’s an example, a role model… The first time Radu and I smiled and answered that: “We are Vlad Dragomir’s parents”.- “Yes, I know” she continued. – “No, you don’t understand, we are Vlad’s parents, Vladut, the small and agitated one…” – “Yes, I know very well who I’m talking about, but he’s not agitated at all. He’s the best behaved. Other children get up and leave their tables during work, it’s normal, they’re kids, but he is so passionate and attentive when he’s working, that after 40 minutes I have to tell him that the class is unfortunately over, and he answers Uuuuffff… and he gets up very said, leaving behind countless clay figurines.”    

Ok, so let’s rewind. The first stage was denial- no, that’s not our child. The second one was frustration. Maybe you’ll laugh, but we just couldn’t understand how the same child can sit in the same spot for 40 minutes, at a working table, how he can be a role model of good behavior, and it’s so hard for us to even get him dressed and leave kindergarten. Because when he sees us, he is so happy, that an explosion of energy immediately follows: he runs from one to the other, then through the entire kindergarten, he jumps, makes noise, and getting him out the door dressed and with his shoes one becomes as complicated as driving long distance in reverse.

Today was an exception, because I picked him up alone, and he hurried home so we could be together all 3 of us. But back to the difference between the child in kindergarten vs the child at home… do you understand anything? Are your kids the same? His teacher can’t believe her eyes when she sees him so exuberant, like the bomb he usually is around us, compared to the way he is in her class: “I can’t believe it, that’s not the same child” he tells me laughing every time. And this line sometimes feels like putting salt on an open wound. I felt incapable. What do you mean?! I can’t discipline my own child, so he listens to what I ask him, right from the start, not after minutes of begging and negotiations?! I felt- and I still do sometimes- that there’s something wrong with me. With us, his parents.  

But now we are in stage three. We have accepted that Vlad is an example only in kindergarten, and with us he is naughty, playful. Of course, he has grown a lot lately and we can communicate very well with him, we can go anywhere together- in a restaurant, a museum, a visit- without needing any special preparations, packing toys or other treats. But he still has this excess energy, which he has had ever since he was a baby, when you can tell that he could climb up the walls, which I think are his and are necessary to him. So we are at that stage in which we simply enjoy things as they are. I am at peace with the thought that there must be a time of time with less rules, when he can behave exactly the way he feels like, not according to what is programmed by someone else. Of course, it’s ideal that his teachers know how to set clear boundaries, which he knows and respects. On the other hand, I am certain that it’s not easy for him and with us he feels the need to blow off the steam. Resistance to frustration is something you must learn, and he has made incredible progress. But I also think that he needs those moments in our presence, when he can feel completely free.  

Of course we have house rules, car rules, boundaries we all try to respect. We also have drawings on the walls, which explain these rules, such as the morning or evening ritual, precisely to make things easier for him, so he knows what the steps and also the limits are. But at the same time, at the advice of a very good children psychologist, we have some “Vlad time”, when he decides, for a specific amount of time, what all 3 of us are about to do: run, play cops…anything. The only limit/ rule (besides the time one) is that we don’t hit or wreck the things we are playing with. But other than that, it’s his moment to decide, set boundaries, establish rules. And that’s how he understand- in a much more subtle way- that in the rest of the tome, parents are the ones who establish the rules. Or teachers- he seems to have understood that pretty clear, since he is “an example of good behavior”. But other than that, there are too many rules, from morning until evening, for child who isn’t even 4 yet.  

Now he is walking two cars through the whole room while screaming. It’s hard to understand what he says. But he’s very happy and.. balanced. That’s what I feel. How do you see things?

For those of you who don’t have children and who I think have heard enough of such stories from your work colleagues or while waiting in line at Mega, I hope the pictures and the outfit description are satisfying.  

In the pictures I am wearing: Pepe Jeans sweater, Styland trousers, Aldo shoes, Liu Jo coat. Styling Irina Hartia, Photo Stefan Dani, Hair style Alex Sarghe, Make Up Alexandra Craescu, Photo Editor Marius Tatu.