Instinctul matern

Instinctul matern

Nu, nu sunt insarcinata. Si poate tocmai de aceea mi-e mai usor sa scriu acum, detasata, despre instinctul matern.

 

EN: No, I’m not pregnant. Maybe that’s why it’s easier for me now to write about a mother’s instincts.

Zilele trecute, un coleg actor, proaspat tatic, posta pe contul lui de Instagram o fotografie cu puiul de om tinut strans la pieptul mamei. Era in mod cert indragostit de acea imagine, indragostit de cele doua fiinte din viata lui si comenta: “Voi (femeile) oricum stiti/simtiti mai bine cand, cat si cum e cazul. Noi suntem aici sa admiram, sa ne miram si sa invatam, pe cat putem, teoretic, ceea ce voi aplicati instinctiv in relatia cu bebelusii.” Si uite cum declaratia lui de dragoste, respect, incredere si admiratie fața de mama copilului sau m-a determinat sa va scriu. Incep sa cred din ce in ce mai tare ca toata treaba asta cu instinctul matern e mai mult un…. mit. Stiu, multi dintre voi ma veti contrazice si va astept cu interes opiniile.

Multi cred ca femeilor le apare acest instinct matern dintr-odata, asa, ca prin magie. “Legenda spune” ca el ar trebui să apară în sarcina ori imediat după naștere. Pe drept vorbind, acest instinct matern este dragostea nemasurata pentru copil, care – desigur – poate sa apara inca din perioada graviditatii, ori din primul moment în care îți vezi copilul, il strângi în brațe, il pui la san. Dar poate si sa nu se întâmple așa. Si nu înseamnă că mama e greșită. Dacă 6 din 9 luni ai vomitat continuu, iar ultimele 3 ai fost obligată de medic sa stai in pat, din cine știe ce motive medicale, s-ar putea ca instinctul asta sa nu te lovească simțitor. Nu mai vorbim de cazurile in care sarcina poate nu a fost una dorita si programata, iar un bou de tata a fugit de frica la 7 luni de sarcina cu alta, lăsând viitoarea mama sa astepte copilul și instinctul matern … singura. Nu pot sa nu ma intreb de ce oamenii acuza mamele care isi abandoneaza copiii in maternitati cu atâta vehementa, intrebadu-se retoric “ce fel de mama e asta?” ori “femeia asta nu are instinct matern?”, dar niciodată nu se întreabă “ba, dar tatal? Unde e tatăl?”. Păi nu se întreabă, pentru ca doar mama – caci ea e cea care poartă copilul 9 luni in burta – e considerată responsabilă de copil in societate. Pentru ca ei ii apare instinctul matern. Bărbații, săracii, nu au instinctul “patern” și atunci pot pleca linistiti… la serviciu.

Sunt convinsa ca exista mame care, după un travaliu chinuitor de 16 ore, ar putea să nu îsi vada bebelușul cu cei mai buni ochi. Ori după ce au leșinat la propriu de la durerea tăieturii de la cezariana, deasemenea, s-ar putea să se întrebe ce e cu acel instinct matern magic și de ce la ele nu apare așa cum au tot citit sau aflat din poveștile altor mame? Eu sincer cred ca nu e nimic in neregulă cu saracele mame si ca instinctul asta matern sau – mai bine zis – dragostea necondiționată pentru propriul copil chiar daca nu apare brusc intr-un moment al sarcinii sau fix din primul moment al nasterii, tot va aparea curand.

Doar ca nu inseamna ca odata aparut, instinctul matern e cel care te face sa stii cum sa pui un scutec sau cand sa il scoti,  cum sa iti alaptezi copilul si cand se introduce cartoful in alimentatie. Lucrurile acestea se invata. Noi invatam continuu sa fim mame. Asa cum barbatii invata sa fie tati. Sigur, avem un “avantaj” pentru ca tinem copilul in burta si ii simtim miscarile luni de zile, pentru ca il alaptam si hormonii aia ne fac sa ne iubim si mai si mai si mai repede bebelusii, dar pe restul… le invatam. Si nu e rusinos ca ne putem simti depasite de foarte multe ori dupa nastere. Nu e ca suntem mai putin mame, ca ne lipseste instinctul matern, ca nu ne iubim suficient copiii. Dar pur si simplu nu avem cum sa le stim pe toate, ca in frumoasa declaratie a colegului meu actor.

Tin minte ca multi din grupul meu de prieteni au ras de mine cand au auzit ca merg la cursuri de puericultura, desi nu vazusem nici in familie, nici printre apropiati nou-nascuti, deci nu avusesem practic de unde sa fur meseria de mama. Radeau si ca citesc carti pe acest subiect. Dar realmente, daca nu as fi aflat anumite informatii la aceste cursuri sau din carti, daca nu i-as fi vazut pe nou-nascuti la maternintate cu o saptamana inainte de a naste, “instinctul” meu matern mi-ar fi zis, in primul moment cand l-am vazut pe Vlad, ca ceva nu e ok cu el de e asa de mic si mov – el fiind in realitate un nou-nascut perfect sanatos. Dar noroc ca aveam informatia de dinainte, asa ca l-am privit liniștită si cu multa dragoste.

Mai sunt altii care rad de generația asta de mame, domne’, care trebuie să se informeze din nu stiu ce surse cum sa fie mame, de parcă pe vremuri mamele stăteau pe forumuri…. Asa e, nu aveau acces la informațiile noastre, dar nu înseamnă că erau mai pregătite decat noi sau ca știau mai bine ce sa faca la primul copil. Pe vremuri mamele erau ajutate de moașa sau de batrana satului și in perioada de după naștere. Erau ajutate de comunitate, nu lăsate la mana instinctului matern… poate e, poate nu e…

Culmea e ca, odata ajunsa acasa, eu chiar am crezut in instinctul matern! Mi se părea că am un fel de special skill, o super-putere, și cred ca gandul asta a funcționat ca autocombustie. Chiar am crezut ca instinctul matern e cel care ma face sa fiu atat de sigura pe mine cu copilul in brate, atat de zen si fericita pentru ce traiesc. Dar acum, dupa ce am cunoscut mai multe mame îndeaproape, cred ca intreg contextul m-a ajutat sa fac fata cu bine in primele zile/saptamani/luni situatiei. Faptul ca Vlad a fost un copil foarte dorit, pe care l-am iubit inca din burtica, faptul ca am avut o sarcina comoda, o nastere si o refacere extrem de usoare, faptul ca hormonii nu au luat-o razna si nu m-a lovit nici depresia postnatala, faptul ca Radu m-a sprijinit, ca Vlad a dormit bine noaptea, ca eu eram o mama informata… toate au contat mai mult decat baza intr-un instinct matern supraevaluat.

Așadar, dragile mele viitoare sau proaspete mămici, e perfect normal și să nu va simțiți atotștiutoare și atotsimtitoare. Cred ca mesajul colegului meu, deși în mod evident bineintentionat, pune presiune pe mamele care nu simt si nu stiu anumite lucruri by default, doar pentru ca sunt mame. Si mai cred ca genul acesta de prejudecată il poate face și pe el ca tata sa se simtă inferior, mai putin priceput, mai neindemanatic decat este de fapt, iar de multe ori sa se simta… in plus. Pe nedrept.

Noi, mamele, invățăm să fim mame. Iar dragostea pentru copil creste si tot creste treptat, de nu iti vine sa crezi. Pe cuvant.

În poze port: rochie și colier lung Rogue8, ciocate Zara, ochelari Komono, colier stele Bon Bijoux.

EN: A few days ago, a fellow actor colleague of mine, who has recently become a dad, posted on his Instagram account a picture with the tiny human held tightly by his mother. He was obviously in love with that image, in love with the two human beings in his life and his comment was: “You (women) know/ feel better when, how much and what it’s like. We are here to admire, be amazed and learned as much as we can, in theory, what you apply so instinctively in the relationship with the baby.” And here’s how his declaration of love, respect, trust and admiration towards the mother of the child made me want to write to you. I start by saying that it is becoming more and more clrea to me that this whole thing with a mother’s instinct is more like a…myth. I know, many of you will say I’m wrong and I am anxiously awaiting for your opinions.

Many believe that this instinct appears for women all of the sudden, out of the blue, like magic. “The legend says” that it should show up during pregnancy or right after birth. Truth be told, this instinct is actually the infinite love you have for your child, which- of course- can appear during pregnancy, or from the first moment you see your child, you hold him/ her. But it might not happen this way. And that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with the mother. If you have been throwing up 6 out of the 9 months, and  for some medical reasons  you have been forced to stay in bed during the last 3 months, the instinct might not hit you right from the beginning. Not to mention the cases when the pregnancy wasn’t really wanted or scheduled, and an asshole of a father left you for someone else while you were 7 months pregnant, leaving the future mother to wait for the baby and the maternal instinct… by herself. I can’t help but wonder why people accuse some mothers for abandoning their children in the hospital, while wondering “what kind of a mother does that?” or “doesn’t this woman have any maternal instincts?”, but they never wonder “but what about the father? Where is he?”. They’re not wondering about him, because only the mother – since she’s the one carrying the baby for 9 months- is considered responsible for the child in society.  Because she has the maternal instinct. Poor men don’t have any “paternal” instincts so they can go to work in peace.  

I am sure there are mother who, after a 16 hour labor, might not look at their baby with good eyes. Or after they literally passed out from the pain caused by the C-section cut, they might also be wondering what’s the thing with the magical maternal instinct and why they don’t have it like they read about or heard from other mothers? I honestly think there’s nothing wrong with the poor mothers and that the maternal instinct or- better said- the unconditional love for your own child, even if doesn’t suddenly appear during pregnancy or right from the first moment of birth, it will eventually show up.  

But it doesn’t necessarily mean that once it has shown up, it is the one who makes you know how to put on a diaper, how to breastfeed and when the potato has to be introduced in your child’s meals. These things can be learned. We constantly learn how to be mothers. Juts like men learn how to be fathers. Of course, we have an “advantage” for carrying the child and feeling his/ her movements for months, because we breastfeed and those hormones make us love the baby even more and even sooner, but the rest.. we learn. And it’s not a shame to feel overwhelmed a lot after giving birth. It’s not that we’re less of a mother, that we lack the maternal instinct, that we don’t love our children enough. But we simply can’t know it all, like in the beautiful declaration of my fellow actor colleague.

I remember some of my friends laughing at me when I told them I was going to child care classes, even though I hadn’t seen newborns neither in my family or friends, so basically I couldn’t have stolen this mother job from anyone. They also used to laugh that I was reading books on the subject. But the truth is, that without these information from classes or books, if I hadn’t seen the newborns a week before giving birth, my maternal “instinct” would have told me there was something wrong with Vlad when I first saw him, since he was so tiny and purple- while he was actually a perfectly healthy newborn baby. Thanks to the prior information, I was able to look at him more relaxed and with lots of love.    

There are also others who make fun of this generation of mothers, that they gather all sorts of information from various sources, when back in the old days they used to read on forums… That’s true, they didn’t have access to our information, but that doesn’t mean they were more prepared than us and that they knew better what to do with their first born. In those days, mothers were helped by a midwife or the village oldest during and after birth. They were helped by the community, not left alone with their instinct… maybe it’s there, maybe it’s not…  

The funny thing is that, once we got home, I really believed in this maternal instinct! I felt like I had some sort of special skill, a super-power, and I think this belief worked like a propeller for me. I really believed that the maternal instinct made me so sure of myself with the child in my arms, so Zen and happy for what I was going through.  But now, after meeting more mothers, I think it was the entire context helped me face the situation during the first days/ weeks/ months. The fact that Vlad was a very desired child, who I have loved ever since he was in my belly, the fact that I had a comfortable pregnancy, an extremely easy birth and retrieval, that the hormones didn’t get too crazy and I wasn’t faced with postnatal depression, the fact that Radu supported me, that Vlad slept through the night, that I was an informed mother… it all mattered much more than relying on an overrated maternal instinct.   

So, my dear future or new mothers, it’s perfectly normal to not feel like you know and feel it all. I think my colleague’s message, even though it was obviously well intentioned, puts a lot of pressure on mothers who don’t feel and know certain things by default, just because they’re mothers. And I also believe that this sort of prejudice can make the father feel inferior, more clumsy than he actually is, and like he’s not really needed. And unfairly so.  

We mothers learn how to be mothers. And the love for our child grows step by step, like you wouldn’t believe it. Take my word for it.

In the pictures I am wearing: Rogue8 dress and long necklace, Zara cowboy boots, Komono glasses, Bon Bijoux stars necklace.